It’s been 7 days since my assessment and 4 days since the follow up where I was officially told I had been diagnosed with ADHD.
Safe to say I have thought of little else since then.
My mind is racing as I type this, so I apologise if it sounds disjointed, but I wanted to get everything in my head on paper. Hopefully to help me make sense of it all, but also hopefully to help anyone else struggling.
(INSERT – A few days after I wrote this we recorded an episode on how I was feeling. If you’d prefer to listen instead find it HERE)
My emotions on having ADHD are so mixed. I’m just going to brain dump each one and how its affecting me:
Relief.
I don’t feel relieved to have ADHD, it’s definitely not something I regard as a superpower. Given the chance I’d take it all away in an instant and never look back – but if I am going to be different at least there’s a name for it, help I can get, other “different” people who understand me
Now I finally have some answers, so much of my life makes sense. I feel like I’ve spent 36 years trying to put an Ikea flat pack up and someone’s finally handed me the instructions. It’s still bloody difficult, but now it’s actually possible to make some progress.
Anger.
Why wasn’t this picked up before? When I was disruptive and constantly in trouble at school, when I was assessed for dyslexia twice. When I spent the night in a psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt in my teens – Why did no one ever even suggest ADHD?
This emotion keeps cropping up. I know awareness of ADHD and especially it’s presentation in girls was much less when I was younger. I don’t blame my parents, family doctor or teachers for missing it, they had no idea.
But between 9 and 19 I can think of at least 5 times I was assessed by different professionals who should have known better. Who would have diagnosed and had other clients with ADHD.
When I think back to those times I remember the things that were said about me. I was “difficult,” “a troublemaker,” “lazy,” and “wasted my potential.” I feel a white hot rage I can barely contain. I can’t write much on this to be honest, I get too agitated.
Sorrow.
What could my life have been if I’d known earlier, if I’d been supported? So many decisions I regret that I now see were a product of my emotional dysregulation.
I think back to that frantic scruffy girl desperately emptying out her school bag for the homework she’s forgotten yet again and my heart breaks for her. I didn’t understand why everyone else made it look so easy.
Could my life have been better? I’ll never know, but I’m certain it would have been a smoother and more pleasant road to get here.
Guilt and shame.
I have hurt people because of my ADHD. Especially during my late teens and twenties. My emotions were out of control, and I couldn’t see how toxic my behaviour was.
I’ve lost good people from my life, and I feel ashamed at the emotional turmoil I created for them.
Hope.
Maybe now things will be better.
As I’ve got older my emotional control is better and much of my disruptive behaviour has become internalised. It makes me a more pleasant and easy person to be around, but it is not pleasant for me to be inside my own head. I hope that with time and targeted therapy I can learn to forgive myself and boot that inner critic out for good.
At the very least I can learn coping strategies that should help with managing my symptoms. Now I know what I’m dealing with I’ve got a better chance at being able to make lasting positive change.
Belonging.
I feel so at home hearing the stories and struggles of other people with ADHD. I’ve finally found my tribe and it’s so liberating discovering the things that make us similar, rather than what makes me different.
I’ve spent my life feeling out of place. Like in a herd of beautiful black horses I was the weird one in the back covered in white smudges I couldn’t hide, and someone finally said to me “Hey, do you think you could be a Zebra?”
I’m still waiting for someone to tell me that this is all a mistake, that I don’t really have ADHD or fit in with this crowd. Despite that slowly, very slowly I’m starting to feel like I belong.
Empty.
I think this is emotional dysregulation, but sometimes when I think about having ADHD I feel completely numb. There’s no emotion. I’m just an empty house, the lights are on and the TV is blaring but the front door is swinging open and no one is home.
I hate this one the most. It makes me feel less than human to have no emotions and just be passing time.
I can’t control when it happens, or when it stops. Hopefully this is something I can get a better handle on with therapy
Final Reflections
I was fairly sure I had ADHD when I went for assessment – but having it confirmed by a psychiatrist makes it feel so much more real. I don’t feel like a fraud anymore. I still have times when Imposter Syndrome rears its head and I question if maybe I just “tricked” my way into a diagnosis. This is getting less thought
If you’ve just been assessed and are feeling lost and conflicted like me, I hope it helped you to read this. If you want to get in touch with me I’d love to hear from you. The best place to reach me is: adopaminekick@gmail.com
If you think you have ADHD here is the assessment criteria: DSM-5 DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA
You can do lots of online self assessments – but basically they are just asking questions from the DSM-5 criteria. It’s so important to familiarise yourself with this prior to assessment.
Much Love
Shell